he wants to bone in the snuggie
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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