Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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