Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just blew my weed a kiss
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
