I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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