so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
