So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
