I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
