When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
