after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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