I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So much rum. So many feels.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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