I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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