I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
