Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
