You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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