My hand turned me down
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
