Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
