her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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