I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize