and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
