If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You need a sexual gate keeper
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize