so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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