she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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