Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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