I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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