I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
In America we eat man semen.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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