I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
