We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
