I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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