I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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