She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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