I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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