why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
