toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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