a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Randomize
