i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My dad is sitting where you rode me
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
