There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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