maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
