I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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