Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
