I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
