watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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