Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize