um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
