Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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