I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
