you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize