it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
