i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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