Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
