smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
