You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
