I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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