There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
