I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize