Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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