I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
